August 2009
1 post
Welcome to BoUNCe!
Hey! Welcome to the BoUNCe Magazine (UNC’s only intentionally funny magazine) blog!
We started this blog late last school year to bring you the funny all year and you’re damn sure we’ll be doing it again! Want to contribute? Glad to hear it! Just submit your funny piece (any length! any subject) and if its good enough, we’ll put it on the blog! Just send it to...
April 2009
9 posts
Commemorative T-Shirts for the Everyman
A deluge follows a rain. In the case of UNC merchandise, the deluge has been championship memorabilia. One shirt in particular caught our eye recently.
What triumphant wording! Such succinctness! Such clarity! “WE DOMINATED / WE WON / WE CELEBRATED” – the author of this shirt must surely have an MFA! Otherwise, they probably wouldn’t have a job writing T-shirts.
I don’t have an MFA, but I do know...
Western Civilization Advocate Speaks
Benjamin F. Ossoff
After the disastrous failure of a talk by anti-Hispanic activist Rep. Tom Tancredo, the student group Youth for Western Civilization decided to lay low for a while before trying another major event. On Wednesday evening, unbeknownst to most students, they held a talk by prominent Western-ist Heinrich Helms at a secret location on campus. However, owing to our street-savvy...
BoUNCe Explains: Defending Your Honors Thesis
Gannon Hubbard
The year is coming to a close, and so are the travails of countless tens of undergraduate seniors writing honors theses. There was that one time when we had a ten-page research paper, so we here at BoUNCe feel your pain. We’ve only ever defended our use of fart jokes, but we figure it can’t be that hard to talk about a few pages for a while. What is it, like fifteen pages? You’ll...
Tour Group Problem Debated
Benjamin F. Ossoff
Spurred on by a call to action from Representative Detancro (CR – Odum’s 11th district), the UNC Student Congress vigorously debated yesterday about what to do about the ever-increasing numbers of idiotic tour groups on campus. “It’s out of hand,” declared Detancro, “These freeloading visitors have made it nearly impossible for tuition-paying students to get lunch in Ram’s Head...
Student Dreams of Basketball Genie
Brian Heim
In the dead of night Edward Richter, a freshman, woke up in Hinton James at approximately 4:35 AM.
“I was sleeping naked, as usual, when I woke up with my dick crammed into my pillow. To be honest I was fucking surprised –I almost had a heart attack when I realized I wasn’t actually having sex with Michael Jordan.”
Suffering from a bout of what disease cryptozoologists from NC...
History Channel Launches New Network
Benjamin F. Ossoff
Hoping to alleviate programming pressures, the History Channel announced yesterday that it would be starting a new TV channel, The Apocalypse Network. TAN, which promises “The End of Days, Every Day,” will take control of History’s many natural disaster, prophesy and doom-saying documentaries and play them on a 24/7 basis. This will give a full 2 hours more to Armageddon...
Freshman continues futile quest to make friends
By Sarah Wolper
After nearly a year at UNC-Chapel Hill, freshman Jordan Weirmann has not given up on his goal of making actual friends.
“Mom always said I was a late bloomer,” Weirmann said in an interview in his Hinton James room at 10 p.m. on a Friday night. “It just takes a little while for me to warm up to people. I’m sure that I’ll have made some friends in no time.”
Weirmann has...
March 2009
7 posts
BoUNCe Blog goes Daily!
Starting today, the lovely BoUNCe Blog will be updated daily. We’ll be bringing you the best original humor that you have come to love from your favorite UNC humor magazine. We’ll also be posting some of the funniest thigns we find on the net. And we’re going fucking multi-media on your ass. We finall caught up to 2002. You’re welcome.
Senior Excited to Move into Pillow Fort at...
By Gannon Hubbard
Reports state that undergraduate Sean Moreland (‘09) cannot wait to move back into his parents’ house thanks to his incredibly cool pillow fort.
The construction, nicknamed Fort EKTORP for the Ikea sofa which makes up its foundation, has inhabited his parents’ living room since the summer of his high school graduation.
After considering traditional first out-of-high-school...
Duke’s Zoubek Evolves Into Golbek
By Chris Faulkenberry
In a stunning occurrence following the Blue Devils’ ACC Tournament win at the Georgia Dome on Sunday, March 15, Duke center Brian Zoubek evolved into Brian Golbek. Coach Williams expressed concern at this turn of events, noting that it will require a significant change in the Tar Heels’ strategy against their rival.
“What? Zoubek is evolving into Golbek!” Williams...
Douchebag vs. Creeper
The past few weeks have given rise to two of Carolina’s most unfortunate students: Chris Jones (the listserv abuser Douchebag) and Gregory Roach (Peeping Tom Creeper). But which one soils the very underpants this University wears so proudly? Let’s go to the head-to-head to find out.
First up! The Douchebag!
Crimes: Spamming. The. Entire. Campus.
Not only did he spam the entire...
Interview With Local Vampire Reveals Tenderness,...
By Gannon Hubbard
Vampires, once thought to be sort of a weird Anne Rice fetish thing for girls who wear corsets and combat boots, have leapt into the mainstream thanks to the release of Twilight earlier this year. BoUNCe recently spoke with local vampire Theodore Romanescu, who counts himself as the book series’ biggest fan.
“I identify strongly with Edward,” says Romanescu, who looks 19 but is...
Thomas Edwards Still Completely Drunk
By Liz Riegel
Thomas Edwards, once the clear front-runner for student body president, has spent every single hour since the runoff election completely drunk and has no plans to stop drinking any time soon, said Edwards’ campaign manager Reva Grace Phillips.
Now accompanied at all times by a Nalgene full of bottom-shelf whiskey, Edwards, a now-former member of the Student Alcohol Advisory...
February 2009
2 posts
Ryan Morgan Sees Shadow, Predicts Two More Weeks...
By Gannon Hubbard
Traditionally, Board of Elections Chairmen and –women leave their dens once in early February to see if conditions are right for ending their extended hibernations in Carroll Hall. According to a new policy set forth during midwinter closed session, however, there was more at stake when Chairman Ryan Morgan exited Carroll hall late last night to sniff about and test the ...
An Apology from the Daily Tar Heel
The Staff of the Daily Tar Heel wish to apologize for all the articles, features, photos, comics and editorials they will run over the next several months. They understand that these will all be offensive, poorly written, badly researched, misleading and/or all-around too liberal for the conservatives who make up the majority of our campus community. They would also like to apologize for...
December 2008
2 posts
Our Condolences
My dear Alexis,
Dating you has been one of the happiest times of my life. I count myself truly lucky to have been by your side. Even among your fellow super-models you pass all description in beauty. Who could possibly resist your sparkling eyes? And besides this you’ve been an angel to me with your kindness and humor—and your Ph. D besides! Me, with my pimple-ridden complexion, thick glasses,...
University Career Services Propose New Workshops
By John Weis
In light of the country’s recent economic upheaval, University Career Services have revamped their programming to make sure graduating Tar Heels can still secure a future in these hard times.
“Granted, UNC is a great school that already turns employers’ heads, but the new advising sessions we’ve designed will give seniors just the tools they need to get...
November 2008
10 posts
3 tags
N.C. State Brick-Writing Culture Arrives at...
By Gannon Hubbard Usually the only way for UNC students to keep track of what happened over the weekend, the Daily Tar Heel received some much-needed help this week from N.C. State students who recorded Saturday’s football score on every brick-laid surface on campus. “This is an example of the 100% visibility and saturation which we hope to someday achieve,” said the newspaper’s gracious...
3 tags
Other Ryan Houston Tattoos
By BoUNCe Staff
On left forearm : “Don’t get tackled”
Over right kidney : ” ;) “
Lower Back : Tramp Stamp
2 tags
STV Station Manager Embezzles Talent, Creativity
By Sam Morgan
As more and more information comes to light about the recent STV Embezzlement Scandal, we are beginning to see the full extent of the crime.
In addition to stealing equipment and money, former STV station manager Ernie Gilbert has been charged with robbing the station of all its creativity and talent.
“This is a serious blow to all of our loyal fans who tune in every third Tuesday of...
4 tags
Chik-Fil-A Caves into Industry Pressure for...
By Jay Morgan Chick-Fil-A, the popular fried chicken sandwich restaurant based in Atlanta, Georgia, has “given up,” according to CEO Gloria Cathy. Citing increasing pressure by competing fast-food chains such as Burger King and McDonald’s, CFA, as Chick-fil-a is now known, will focus less on its healthy and wholesome offerings in exchange for cold, heartless cash.
“We just decided that selling...
3 tags
To Dejected Conservatives: A Travel Guide
By Gannon Hubbard
In the post-election madness, I’ve noticed that some of my liberal colleagues are being less than congenial to our conservative fellows. I have also noticed that several of the latter have expressed the desire to leave for more promising pastures. To that end I’ve prepared a short guide to help them pick their future home. First, I urge all of you to study the below...
3 tags
Town to Advertise "Smaller, Safer" Election Night...
By Gannon Hubbard
Responding to a frenzied Election Night celebration in which up to 2,000 Obama supporters closed down the intersection of Franklin and Columbia, the town of Chapel Hill has promised that next year, things will be toned down.
“We had 2,000 crazed college students and at least one arrest for impersonating a President-elect, not to mention that the town’s clean-up of...
3 tags
UNC-A Student DJs Prank Call Chancellor Thorp
By Jack Garvey
Two UNC-Asheville student disc jockeys played a prank on Chancellor Thorp Tuesday, reaching him for a phone interview pretending to be UVA President John T. Casteen. Chancellor Thorp fully owns up to the mistake in a statement from the university, saying, “The joke was all in good fun. Even the chancellor has to keep a good sense of humor.”
A recording of the conversation...
3 tags
Haikus
By Ben Ossoff
I didn’t know the
Cave bear—was sleeping in there
So now I am dead.
———————————————-
Ship full of people
Filling with water, down, down,
Down it goes, “Oh shit!”
Skateboarding ruling appealed to U.S. X-treme...
By Matt Wait
The second-place finisher of a UNC Chapel Hill skateboarding contest has filed for an appeal of the contest ruling with the U.S. X-treme Court on Sunday, on the grounds that the state appellate court was not radical enough.
“Those bogus squares wouldn’t know an Ollie if I ground one out on their heads. And I so totally did,” said Alex “Grunts” Manchester, who claims that the contest...
3 tags
Student Regrets Ron Paul Tattoo
By Charles McKuralt
UNC junior Peter Thurgood says that the fifteen-man demonstration of Ron Paul supporters in the Pit in May is what first inspired him. “Seeing those brave men and one very brave uncomfortable girlfriend stand up and fight for what they believed in moved something deep inside of me,” he says.
The r[evol]ution affair continued for several blog posts. For a presidential...
October 2008
1 post
2 tags
Students Still Surprised at Seasonal Change
By Sam Morgan
As the weather slowly chilled and tipped below fifty for the first time since summer, some students were caught off guard.
“Wow, its cold. When did this happen? Wasn’t it like summer two weeks ago?” said sophomore Hannah Glennsdale. Glennsdale noted that she didn’t think to get her winter clothes when she went home for fall break. “I thought the nice...