Hey! Welcome to the BoUNCe Magazine (UNC’s only intentionally funny magazine) blog!
We started this blog late last school year to bring you the funny all year and you’re damn sure we’ll be doing it again! Want to contribute? Glad to hear it! Just submit your funny piece (any length! any subject) and if its good enough, we’ll put it on the blog! Just send it to bounce@unc.edu. Man, how simple is that? We like it simple.
Want something better than a blog? Twice a semester we publish our good old fashioned print magazine and yes, you can be in that too! So be sure to keep submitting your stuff to bounce@unc.edu!
Need more information? Want to join the magazine formally? Need personal advice on whether or not that really makes you look too fratty? Let us help! Just send all your questions to bounce@unc.edu.
Just remember. We have bigger balls than the DTH.
A deluge follows a rain. In the case of UNC merchandise, the deluge has been championship memorabilia. One shirt in particular caught our eye recently.
What triumphant wording! Such succinctness! Such clarity! “WE DOMINATED / WE WON / WE CELEBRATED” – the author of this shirt must surely have an MFA! Otherwise, they probably wouldn’t have a job writing T-shirts.
I don’t have an MFA, but I do know a thing or two about writing commemorative T-shirts. The only problem with them, really, is how soon they become dated. With that in mind, I’ve attempted to make my own line of commemorative T-shirts. These depict yearly, even daily occurrences, to which anyone can relate.
————
WE TURNED LEFT
WE GOT IN LINE
WE ORDERED
WE ATE
WE GOT FATTER
————
WE READ
WE WROTE
WE CRIED
WE GRADUATED
WE’RE UNEMPLOYED
————
WE EMAILED
WE GOOGLED
WE TWEETED
WE TOOK NOTES
WE ANNOYED EVERYONE BEHIND US
————
WE ADVERTISED
WE MORTGAGED
WE PROFITED
WE DID IT AGAIN
WE WENT BANKRUPT
————
WE LOST
WE LOST
WE LOST
WE LOST
WE LOST
WE LOST
WE WON!
WE LOST
WE LOST
We Lost
We lost
We lost?
we lost.
we lost…
WE WON!!
WE LOST
WE’RE GEORGIA TECH
Benjamin F. Ossoff
After the disastrous failure of a talk by anti-Hispanic activist Rep. Tom Tancredo, the student group Youth for Western Civilization decided to lay low for a while before trying another major event. On Wednesday evening, unbeknownst to most students, they held a talk by prominent Western-ist Heinrich Helms at a secret location on campus. However, owing to our street-savvy nature, BoUNCe was able to find out about this appearance sent a reporter to cover it.
Helms began the lecture by extolling the illustrious accomplishments and superiority of the White Race. To be fair, though, he couldn’t have been racist as he said he would welcome anyone from the barbaric races into his company if they apologized sincerely to him for their race and ethnicity first. He recounted the greatness of Greek philosophy (preserved for us by Arabic scholars), the might of Western armament (owing much to the Chinese invention of gunpowder), and the righteousness of the Christian faith (originating in the Middle-East).
Continuing on, Heinrich shifted his tone to address the dangerous hordes of illegal peoples invading our native land (which we took from the Natives already living here). He condemned their savage language (European in origin, but still not English), their godless Catholicism (a Christian religion he had just praised), and their laziness (back-breaking laziness on farms and meat-packing plants, producing so much of our food). These villains, he declared, must assimilate into American Culture by giving up their native ways, just as the English, Scots-Irish, and Germans totally renounced their own when they came.
He fumbled for some time with just where the boundary between East and West was on the map He alternately claimed it to be the Hellespont, the Adriatic, the Zagros Mountains, the US-Mexico border, and the Dead Sea Rift in turn. Helms then turned his cannon against the “slant-eyed Chinamen and Japs,” who hold no respect for Western values of Capitalism or Industry. Pure-blooded Europeans, he said, must reassert themselves through selective breeding programs to combat the rising populations of Asia.
Heinrich Helms concluded his talk by promoting his new book, One People, One Nation, One Faith, available to buy and have autographed after the talk. Incidentally, it is worth noting that this book was made possible through the Sumerian invention of writing, Islamic perfection of Paper-manufacture, and Chinese invention of printing. Helms said his tour would next take him westward to Wyoming, California, Hawaii and then Japan.
[video]
Gannon Hubbard
The year is coming to a close, and so are the travails of countless tens of undergraduate seniors writing honors theses. There was that one time when we had a ten-page research paper, so we here at BoUNCe feel your pain. We’ve only ever defended our use of fart jokes, but we figure it can’t be that hard to talk about a few pages for a while. What is it, like fifteen pages? You’ll just write it the night before, anyway.
• A defense is, ultimately, a conversation about your work between yourself and the two professors which you chose to be your readers. The shorter it has to be, the better. Serve them peanut butter sandwiches. Go heavy on the peanut butter. Afterwards, offer them Milk Duds.
• Saturday and Sunday are excellent days to schedule your defense, precisely because there won’t be anyone on campus to listen to you.
• When choosing what to wear, remember that academics appreciate self-sacrifice. Wear the heaviest suit you own, and never sit down.
• Choose at least one female professor. They are likely to get the vapors and be unable to continue.
• If all else fails, never stop talking. Pausing to think is a sign of weakness. If the situation is dire, launch into a story about how this reminds you of your second-grade teacher Mrs. Cooper and that time that she made you give a presentation on prairie dogs in front of the entire class. You were doing very well until you peed your pants.
• If one of your readers asks “So what?” they want to know where the after-party will be. We suggest Players for the drink specials.
Keep these in mind and you’ll earn Highest Honors in no time.
[video]
Benjamin F. Ossoff
Spurred on by a call to action from Representative Detancro (CR – Odum’s 11th district), the UNC Student Congress vigorously debated yesterday about what to do about the ever-increasing numbers of idiotic tour groups on campus. “It’s out of hand,” declared Detancro, “These freeloading visitors have made it nearly impossible for tuition-paying students to get lunch in Ram’s Head or get even get to classes. We need to find a solution today.”
However, once the debate had started, it rapidly deteriorated from reasonable suggestions such as signs warning students about tourists hogging the dining halls before they go in or signs saying “Visitors Go Home” into more extreme measures. Rep. Liebermann (YD – Grimes’ 35th district) suggested that Student Government appropriate funds to build a pseudo-campus somewhere in the middle of nowhere, which visitors can tour without disturbing any actual UNC students. But Rep. Thompson (CR – Granville Towers observer) insisted that even if only facades were to be built, such a mock-up would be too expensive an undertaking.
After Rep. Friedman (YD – Hinton James’ 2nd district) suggested instead simply dedicating all of Carolina North to accommodating bumbling grown-ups and their hyperactive kids, Rep. Detancro proposed manufacturing plaques bearing the names of campus buildings, affixing them to structures in the roughest part of Carrboro, and diverting tour-buses there. This gained wide favor until SBP Jasmin Jones pointed out that Student Congress doesn’t have any power over this matter whatsoever.
So, after briefly turning to a debate on how Student Congress could bring about world peace, the discussion turned to the bill SC.635. This measure proposes that Student Congress use money to pay off gambling debts of UNC students who bet against the Tar Heels in the Championship. Overwhelmingly supported, representatives decided to take the necessary funds from BoUNCe magazine’s coffers. Ironically enough, the immediate beneficiaries of the measure were all staff members of the Carolina Review.
Brian Heim
In the dead of night Edward Richter, a freshman, woke up in Hinton James at approximately 4:35 AM.
“I was sleeping naked, as usual, when I woke up with my dick crammed into my pillow. To be honest I was fucking surprised –I almost had a heart attack when I realized I wasn’t actually having sex with Michael Jordan.”
Suffering from a bout of what disease cryptozoologists from NC State are referring to as Spacejamitis, fourteen documented cases of this disease have happened at UNC since Michael Jordan led the bulls to their second Three-peat in 1998.
“Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a raging boner, just wondering if Michael Jordan has ever stepped into my suite. It’s a disease. The first step is supposedly admitting you have a problem, but I’d argue that there’s a certain whimsical, gift-like magic to the situation.”
Benjamin F. Ossoff
Hoping to alleviate programming pressures, the History Channel announced yesterday that it would be starting a new TV channel, The Apocalypse Network. TAN, which promises “The End of Days, Every Day,” will take control of History’s many natural disaster, prophesy and doom-saying documentaries and play them on a 24/7 basis. This will give a full 2 hours more to Armageddon than it had on the regular History Channel.
Though some question if there is enough material to sustain such a network, spokesman Richard Snow was optimistic: “There’s plenty to be said about the end of the world, lots of viewpoints to explore. For instance, some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. This debate is the main focus of our ‘Fire v. Ice Wednesday’ programming.” Other programming to be offered will include the Early Morning Earthquake Hour, Nostradamus at Noon, and a full line-up of shows connecting biblical prophecy to geological, meteorological, and astronomical phenomena.
Snow also said that they expected TAN to quickly out-compete tele-evangelical programs and most major news networks, which though offering such doom-saying shows as “The 700 Club” and “Glenn Beck’s War Room,” have still not committed all their time to scaring people out of their minds. “People will be glued to their seats waiting for the end,” said Snow, “These programs will really have our audience wanting to do nothing else with their last hours on Earth than watch it end on TAN.”
Meanwhile, the History Channel itself will have freed up many hours for its plethora of WWII, Civil War, and paleontological programming. Some, though, think The Apocalypse Network doesn’t do enough to free programming time and have called for a “Hitler Channel” to hold all History’s material on that subject.
By Sarah Wolper
After nearly a year at UNC-Chapel Hill, freshman Jordan Weirmann has not given up on his goal of making actual friends.
“Mom always said I was a late bloomer,” Weirmann said in an interview in his Hinton James room at 10 p.m. on a Friday night. “It just takes a little while for me to warm up to people. I’m sure that I’ll have made some friends in no time.”
Weirmann has attempted various ways of seeking friendship at UNC, including befriending his suitemates on Facebook and hanging a dry-erase board on his door for people to leave messages on.
“I got excited when I saw someone had actually written a message on it last week,” Weirmann said. “Turns out it was for [my roommate] Nate [Plukowsky].”
When BoUNCe inquired as to Plukowsky’s whereabouts that night, Weirmann said he was at a Player’s theme night with the rest of the suite.
Weirmann also signed up for a number of clubs months ago at Fallfest in a spirited effort to meet potential friends. He admitted that he has not actually attended any meetings since September, but that he enjoys receiving emails from the listservs.
“They really let me know that I’m part of the group,” Weirmann said, organizing his pencils. “It’s a good feeling.”
According to Dr. Gwen Schiffler of UNC Counseling Services, it is normal for freshmen to have difficulty making new friends.
“Coming to college is a big transition,” Schiffler said. “You’re away from home for the first time, in an entirely new environment. It’s only natural that it will take students a bit of time to adjust and meet new people. Of course, in Jordan’s case, this is just ridiculous. He’s been here, what, eight months? That’s just pathetic. Very often there’s little we can do with such severe cases, because they are clearly depressing losers who are beyond our help.”
Weirmann concluded the interview by asking the BoUNCe interviewers if they would like to stay for a game of Monopoly, but they had a house party to attend.