BoUNCe Explains: Defending Your Honors Thesis
Gannon Hubbard
The year is coming to a close, and so are the travails of countless tens of undergraduate seniors writing honors theses. There was that one time when we had a ten-page research paper, so we here at BoUNCe feel your pain. We’ve only ever defended our use of fart jokes, but we figure it can’t be that hard to talk about a few pages for a while. What is it, like fifteen pages? You’ll just write it the night before, anyway.
• A defense is, ultimately, a conversation about your work between yourself and the two professors which you chose to be your readers. The shorter it has to be, the better. Serve them peanut butter sandwiches. Go heavy on the peanut butter. Afterwards, offer them Milk Duds.
• Saturday and Sunday are excellent days to schedule your defense, precisely because there won’t be anyone on campus to listen to you.
• When choosing what to wear, remember that academics appreciate self-sacrifice. Wear the heaviest suit you own, and never sit down.
• Choose at least one female professor. They are likely to get the vapors and be unable to continue.
• If all else fails, never stop talking. Pausing to think is a sign of weakness. If the situation is dire, launch into a story about how this reminds you of your second-grade teacher Mrs. Cooper and that time that she made you give a presentation on prairie dogs in front of the entire class. You were doing very well until you peed your pants.
• If one of your readers asks “So what?” they want to know where the after-party will be. We suggest Players for the drink specials.
Keep these in mind and you’ll earn Highest Honors in no time.
